He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
pop tarts are not kleenex
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize