Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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