the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
