have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you had me at cake vodka
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
