checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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