The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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