can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
