I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
