Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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