I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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