just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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