Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
