After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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