Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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