The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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