I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
