we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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