goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
