i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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