you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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