Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
