don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize