I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
