Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
