True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
