He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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