My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
