it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
