Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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