I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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