I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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