god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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