This is not my ceiling
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Randomize