he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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