party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
