I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
