I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
