you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
