Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Randomize
