I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
