i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
