I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
