They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
