Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
