I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
