i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
