I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You were trust falling into bushes
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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