i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
