I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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