Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Your penis caused this!
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