Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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