go do what you do best...puke behind churches
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
