another moral hangover. fuck.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Randomize
