I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
