i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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