Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize