Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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