I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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